Last Tango in Buenos Aires

How Do Argentine Men Treat Women

It is quite surprising the sorts of things people Google search - Are they looking for validation? Survivors Groups?

I had a long chat today with the owner of a boutique hotel. How was I managing the machismo she wanted to know. And told me how envious she is observing the foreign (English and American) couples that have stayed with her over the years. How they appear to be in love. How they are best friends. How the men seem to enjoy being in the company of a woman rather than enduring it. I have clients here now who spend every day doing things together and say they don't need friends - They are all they need. This in contrast to RaZa looking at me as though I had just landed and saying he could never, but never, be best friends with a woman.

It's cultural and the hotel owner doesn't think it will change for many generations to come. Worse in the North - the women are to be used, expected to endure infidelity or even abuse and dropped when they ask for equality or even a bit of respect. She said a man who tries to change will be villified by his friends for being a pussy. I remember RaZa not wanting to go out to a friend's house when he could stay home with me and being told by his 'friend' that he was 'Dominated'. (I actually wanted to go).

The piropos and endearments are wonderful but they are designed to seduce and manipulate you into giving whatever he wants. You will be alright so long as you don't believe them.

As the owner said, it's sad for women who want to develop something a little less shallow than the endless round of seduction and bedding - The attention will feed you ego once or twice but in the end it's boring and you avoid it. It's sad that over time a culture has developed where people can be so cold.

How to Become an Emotionally Unavailable Woman

'How to become an emotionally unavailable woman' and 'Do emotionally unvailable men ever get their shit together?' These were just two of the Google searches that were directed to Last Tango today. As well as a really long comment from a woman dating an Argentine that will have to be answered directly. Suffice to say she sounds as though she is hurting - And the bottom line is 'If it hurts it isn't love'. What do I know? I'm on the road for the Newspaper at the moment and in TIlcara, the manager offered me a room half price in my favourite hotel. I walked through the garden to the lovely casita and I had to go back and tell her, trying not to cry like una estupida that I could not stay there. 'I understand' she said. Too many memories. Everyone has them with an Argentine man.

All men hurt you. But it possibly hurts more with an Argentine because of the lies, because women really want to feel loved. You really feel loved and then they yank the rug and maybe you discover a bunch of horrors - either way it's not respectful and it hurts. Then it hurts more because they won't set you free but keep coming back, usually by text, saying they miss you. It's a seduction. RaZa did this to me many times until a friend in Cafayate said to me 'Oh Bullshit. I can't hear any more of these lies.' I thanked her and asked her to keep telling me the same. Because a person who loves you but wants to leave doesn't try to keep you dangling. Love is shared, Lust is selfish.

So the commenter and the second search - 'Does an Emotionally Unavailable Man Ever Get His Shit Together?' Bottom line - NO. We women seem to want to change our lovers. There is some really strange gene impertive going on that attracts us to disasters so we can make them different. Someone with more degrees than me has to explain it but I do know - we need to Stop. Because it aint working. And there is a very, but very, remote possibility they will change but ask yourself (as an eminent psych once said to me) How much of your life do you want to waste on the risk? (I was out of there the next day) If you can sit quietly and say to yourself; 'I am willing to accept this exactly as it is and make no more complaints or demands' then stay. If you wish it was diiferent, it's probably time to leave.

I tried it.The becoming emotionally unavailable - It didn't work. In fact it made it worse.

RaZa begged to see me enough that I thought that at least he was into me. I thought I Could handle his emotional unavailability and enjoy what we were able to create together. But it couldn't be done. The less I wanted, the more he acted out to get a distancing reaction. The more emotionally unavailable I was (which is an act for a woman - it's that old tactic of pretending to be busy but that only works in the first three months) the more he lured me into something so he could drop me from the precipice. But oh so subtley. It was hard to really get a handle on the situation because of all the excuses and the vanishings.

Finally, you can love someone for whatever thwarted reason but walk away because you don't feel good. Chemistry, great sex, spiritual connection, knowing that inside there's something different - meaningless if you don't have open communication followed by great sex. Abandonment followed by great sex is an illusion.

You don't have to love a pussy to have love and respect in return but your first relationship has to be with yourself.

The Men - or 'Oh Dear, You're Dating an Argentine'

It's quite amusing how many men comment with vitriol in response to posts about the Argentine man, never considering that every woman is saying exactly the same thing, be she extranjera or Argentine. Adapt to our culture, they say, not bothering to notice even Argentines hate their culture. When you fall in love, Argentine women commiserate with you. They know what will inevitably come to pass. I know numerous Portenas in their twenties who simply do not date any more - Tired of being used as sex slaves. It's worse to be used that way after a bunch of lies you have gradually started to believe. But then the men and the wise old taxi drivers say they are not the histericos - the histerica Argentine woman made them behave that way.

So it's a case of which came first - the histerico chicken or the histerica egg? Either way, it's a drag for a lot of people. Women hate being hurt and unable to trust. Men aren't getting all the sex they could have if they only changed their attitudes. 'We are not all the same' they scream, before continuing to demonstrate their culturally typical behaviour. They're called cliches for a reason. And in case you were wondering, they are worse, much much worse in the North. At least in BsAs they have been exposed to some independent women - either foreign or locally purchased with Papi's credit card. Here they are treated as kitchen slaves, every one.

I have one English friend in Buenos Aires who has had a lovely Argentine man for the last 15 years but then he couldn't get out of Argentina fast enough and has always lived abroad. The only chance is if they have been exposed to foreign culture and also learned to adapt to it. I also have a Swedish friend who married an Argie in Stockholm and he was marvellous. When they moved here, he instantly reverted to type and she divorced him. Maybe it's in the soil.

I have noticed that the men call you Loca when you object to shabby treatment - making it all your fault and not owning any responsibility. And now they have developed a new strategy for dealing with independence - They give you their number and tell you to call them. Patetico. They have now aborted all responsibility and possibility for rejection and if you do call them, beware! It means you are desperate and gagging for it.

Buying a Car in Argentina 2

So you can buy a car in Argentina without a DNI but you have to get a CDI - In some provinces you go to the police station and they come to your place later to check you live there - in Salta you have to drag to locals into the police station to sign that you live there (Not so easy to get Argentines into a cop shop)

Then someone has to go to the AFIP office with you and sign for the CUIT with their DNI and address - basically taking responsibility for you. Then after you have bought the car, you will discover you can't get insurance without DNI. I have to have a part owner for insurance purposes and the insurance is the same price as my sports car in UK. Is this country a cock up? There's more....

Now you own the car in your own name and the fortune you've paid for it but you are not allowed to take it out of Argentina. I have not tried it yet and the police say you can but every foreigner who has tried it says no. More to come...

Publishing a Book - Brave New World 2010

Now that I am the publisher of a newspaper, thoughts turn to publishing books. At this point in history, when the biggest revolution since the printing press is getting underway, it is not as vanity driven as it sounds.

It may be a little premature because although 'Last Tango in Buenos Aires' is finished (the book and the screenplay jaja), now that it has come back from advance readers, the torturous process of editing and re-drafting begins. I wonder if people really are aware of the graft that goes into writing a book. There are none on the shelves that have been written without major re-writes, tweaks and twinges.

Scoring a major publisher in the world of celebrities as authors and diminished advances seems redundant now. Most of what the reader is paying for is cartons of books sitting in distributor's warehouses, the endless trucking back and forth of returned and remaindered books and the 25% that go to the pulping machine. Surely POD makes more sense, ecologically and financially for the author. And if you use POD why do you need a publisher?

Vanity (or Self) Publishing has a very dirty name and in many cases it should but in many others, the bad rep derives from publisher's spin. As in the music industry, publishers will go out of business if the lunatics start taking over the asylum. In centuries past, the only way onto a book shelf was through the closed doors of the publishing industry. Now with internet marketing and foruming and the Kindle, the reader will have more opportunity to find the book they really want.

I remember when I first came to Buenos Aires, there were virtually no books on the city or country. 'Bad Times in Buenos Aires' seemed as though it was written by someone in a different place entirely, so negative was its writer. I suffering the first pangs of infatuation with the city had yet to see how right she was. And for tango, I could only find Marina Warner's heinous concoction, so badly written it proves publishers know nothing.

Now I could Google or Amazon search and books about my chosen subject would be instantly downloadable. You don't want a major publisher to work POD, with typical greed they are charging more for electronic books than printed ones. And if you load it yourself and you do it professionally - reader and author come out ahead. Where's the downside?

Love, Narcissism and Happy 2010

I am going to resist all those summing up articles that are deemed necessary at this unreal point in time, along with resolutions and fad diets and instead mentiopn a couple of comments received today on the feed.

One said she must be rather narcissitic as she enjoyed the flattery and may need to make a trip to Argentina in '10. Firstly no worries on that score - true narcissists have no idea they are so self-absorbed. Second - the flattery is great for the ego and for re-building any self-esteem or confidence lost after a break up. So yeah baby, come on down. The problem is that seducers are well practised and aren't going to let you get away with having your ego pumped - They want something in return. And the heavy seduction kicks in, which soon leads to pain.

The second commenter was clearly distressed, saying she felt she had been hooked in, was unable to break free from a man she knew deep down did not deserve her and wanted to know whether Argentine men prefer Americans over Argentines. (My experience is they much prefer English over Americans but then they would say that to me). It's the topic I address in my novel, the problem of relating from different cultures. Yes they are fascinated by the foreigness of us and more importantly, as a psychiatrist once told me, independence, like other enviable characteristics, is something to be possessed and destroyed. I've got a couple of female EX friends in Buenos Aires who are testament to this.

So the fascination soon wears off and they start trying to dominate and remove the freedom they initially found so seductive. One sign is that he suddenly attempts culo sex (if he hadn't already). All I can say to my unhappy commenter is that once a man cools it is virtually impossible to get him back to that state that seduced you in the first place, that of intense attention and adoration, unless you in turn cool off and offer him a subtle reason to chase you again. It does work but you will re-live the same heartache as he recycles through the same pattern. 

I say withdraw before he hurts you even more. It becomes harder each time, like a wheel sinking deeper into a rut. And do like my first commenter - Try to let some flattery from others soothe your pain.

LOVE (like you've never known pain) and DANCE. Happy 2010 to everyone

'Love' and the Passionate Argentine Man

In response to a commenter who asked me for advice about her intense and passionate new relationship with an Argentine man,I can only humbly offer the following based on mountains of (sometimes painful) research.

As with most things in life, there can be a dark side to love. Where love is not about two people gradually learning to share experience and friendship that is wrapped up in sexual joy. It is based on an emptiness inside that makes the lover seek out others to fill his void.

To cover this void from the outside world, these men are usually very seductive charmers. Somewhere in the 17th Century, men turned into coquettes (witness the fashion of the time) and learned that women are seduced by words and that their need for flattery and to feel superior to the women around them is innate. The legends of Don Juan and Casanova were born and we still believe in that image of the Latin lover. Every extranajera I know has succumbed to the passion of the macho but it is all based on words and flattery- meaningless.

Hence they have to seduce you quickly before you realise just how meaningless. Before they themselves realise just how meaningless and move on to the next. This is how you become the Sun, Moon and Stars, their Heaven, their Life. You want to believe it. Hollywood has coerced us into the dream of instant Happy Ever After and follows Mother Nature in appealing to our vanity. But a love that instant cannot be real. What is is based on? When I asked the BD how come he loved me so much when he hardly knew me he mentioned my beauty and Because I am English. There's a lifelong committment for you. What happens when the next English tourist comes along? There are more and more of them in Salta every season.

The only way to know for sure is to put the brakes on and keep putting them on in the face of intense pressure to submit. A thing easily won is easily spurned. Maybe he is the Special One but if he is, what's the rush? It may be flattering but deep inside you know it isn't based on any real appreciation of you as a person - it's nothing but a Pygmalion illusion.

Buying a Car in Argentina

I have been looking for a car for months. Mostly held up by the BD who promises assistance and then vanishes for a few weeks. If you want something done... So I've done it myself and like anything involving papeles in Argentina - it's not simple. You learn to view it as entertaining, that way you don't end up like Michael Douglas in Falling Down.

I wanted a Nissan - Frontier or XTrail - but it's hopeless. The roads in the North are vicious and the repairs and spare parts even more so on an import so it's got to be a Ford or a Toyota. I did find a Frontier, being sold by the guy who runs the antique car race. When I asked for a test drive he said sure and moved to the cabin. I got there first. 'Are YOU going to DRIVE?' he asked completely stunned before awkwardly moving to the passenger seat. Presumably women buy a car here without actually driving it themselves.

So I have decided on an Ecosport SUV and after making some hysterical rounds through the dealers - where no tests were available for weeks or where female saleswomen sauntered from their offices holding mate gourds and looked at me as though I was a joyrider asking to borrow a Ferrari for the weekend. The price seemed elastic and when I said I had checked the model on their internet site, they said the chico was on his way now to correct the mistakes on the website. Obviously they don't realise that trust levels for secondhand car saleswomen bearing mate gourds is currently at -2334%

I popped in a cab and went to the Ford dealership. With a photocopy of my passport (showing my residencia or tourist visa has not been abused) and a certificado de domicilio from the police and a suitcase full of cash, a new car can be mine in two days. OK that was five days ago but we're getting there. The test drive vehicle was in Jujuy so the salesman got a friend with the same car to let me have a go in his. Did I have a driving licence? He wanted to know. Do people without usually buy cars and if so how do they get them home? No need to describe the white knuckle ride and constant injuctions to 'look out' and 'slow down'.

The car has to be registered as 2009 unless I wait to take it off the lot until January. I asked my 'Friend' in Buenos Aires whether this made a difference at re-sale and he asked me whether the car was auto. Of course not. How many English people drive autos? Did I know how to drive a manual transmission then? Someone needs to re-make that movie with Mel Gibson where he can mindread women's thoughts. I would love to know how the men here see us gals from the free world. Racketing around and eating dinners by ourselves, refusing to clean the house obsessively, driving cars for Chrissake.

Tiger Woods Example

All this week in New York, the American media have been freaking out about Tiger Woods's infidelity. Once you become accustomed to Argentine attitudes to sex and marriage, these attitudes seem laughably over-moralising. Whose business is it really whether a politician or celeb sleeps around? CBS news had two psychologists on the couch for the all-encompassing interview 'Why Do Men Cheat?'

The response of the male psych was - The overpowering greed of celebrity. If this is so, Buenos Aires must be full of stars. Every bus driver is famous. Every old goat is famous. Celebrity is not a reason for sense of entitlement. Narcissism is though and that is abundant in Argentina. The response of the female psych was - Why do they bother to get married in the first place? A more interesting proposal.

After my mini world tour I am afraid of becoming even more cynical as I sit here with my married 'amor' who treats me like a sex toy at his disposal - or is trying to except he is fronting a cold blast of fria. It isn't easy - this coldness. I realise now that it isn't part of my culture. English women like to josh. In England if a man says hello on the street and ou blast him with ice, you are going to get back at least a 'Cheer up luv' and possibly 'Miserable cow'.

In NY the men on the street are very respectful. Their comments are designed to make everyone have a nice day. They've been customized through four decades of women's lib.

Number of decades of women's lib passed in Argentina - 0.

Would I rather live in a country where you can be friends with a man and enjoy spirited conversation or would I rather be called a Goddess all the time? After comparing three countries in close proximity time-wise, respect is better.

What Taxi Drivers Know - 2

I have been delinquent everywhere but at the book - it is such a nightmare editing and polishing. A whole day slips away with only a chapter improved upon. It is about to go through a pro-edit but there's no point in that until it's as tight as I can possibly make it myself.

Then there are the worries about publishing - on the edge of a world revolution. I could spend all day yakking on the writer's forums about whether we actually want to publish mainstream now. People are already doing it better for themselves or in collectively run micropublishers.

But I digress. How pleasant it has been to eat all sorts of different foods at whatever time I choose. To drink a mellow Chianti instead of endless overripe cabs and merlots. To go down the pub and enjoy a flirt with a man without him thinking he's going to have me that night or else ignore me evermore and tell everyone I know that I am crazy, hysterical, dangerous  - because I don't want his bag o bones.

As I left Buenos Aires, my Sicilian taxi driver told me that a foreign woman is a delightful cool breeze in the humid hysteria of a native woman. Why? They have un dicho that says:

Billeteria mata todo - The wallet kills everything

Argentine women want only dolla. They want only constant piropos berating if you don't give them frequently and berating you with suspicion if you do. They are hysterical. Do they then make the men hysterical or have the hysterical men made them respond in kind?