Last Tango in Buenos Aires

Bad Boys - Do They Really Exist?

We women are strange creatures – What would Darwin make of the current configuration of females? Maybe there has been a disruption in the gene pool.

 

I too am tired of all this talk of unavailable men but it isn’t going away soon. And everyone in a good-enough relationship with a man says we bring it on ourselves or we are attracted to Bad Boys but humans need connection. I don’t want to get married or even live with a man but the beauty of connection with someone is a thing that generates life – There is only so much of it you can produce from within, with your art, your movement, your intellect and your self-esteem.

 

From where did this label Bad Boy emerge? When I was young (and I was touring with rock bands when I was 16) a Bad Boy was a rocker or the group’s manager or a rich playboy who drove around London in an E-type Jag and only dated dancers. Now they’re all bloody Bad Boys – Bus Drivers, Delivery Boys (actually he’s a carpenter), sofa salesmen, plumbers, waiters – shall I go on? In the old days we knew who a Bad (Play) Boy was and we enjoyed them – now they’re all bad boys and we don’t even get to have any fun.

 

But a woman is convinced of a man’s potential – she idealizes the man because if she has given him her body then he in turn has got to be of value. And they dangle us and we keep dangling thinking they are going to see how amazing we are. Not many species in the natural world hang around like this. The female crab only shakes off her shell once a year and leaves herself exposed to the male. Smarter female species eat their lovers after sex. Even smarter species make homes and lives together and just let the men come over and have sex with them.

 

Anyone want to start a new species? Or should I say reinvigorate the one we’ve got?

Last Tango - The Book

The first seven chapters of the book have been uploaded to a publisher's website for comments.

It's cultural, it's about dancing but it's mostly about relationships - love of course but also between women friends. I hope it will be a call to women in a comedic fashion, to re-evaluate how they think of being attached to a man.

As many have asked to have a read when it's ready - here it is - if you drop me a line I will mail you a link directly. Not trying to create marketing tool just dont want certain elements reading my baby yet...

Writing a book is one of the hardest things you might ever do - that and delivering a baby.

TYPEPAD Rubbish Again - Apologies to Readers

Typepad started a new system whereby the comments are directed to my Email address and I can reply directly from there.

As with everything on Typepad - is doesnt work and I have just realised that all my replies for the past however long - must be a couple of weeks - are not posting. I am really sorry. I will try to go back and post them again manually as some were rather important.

Especially to Arlene - I replied with a long comment firstly saying that the comment she thought had been deleted never arrived. I would never delete one of Arlene's interesting thoughts. In fact I never delete any comments - even the insulting ones that always come from men. They only serve to prove my point. Secondly that the post she thought was directed at her was absolutely not - it was directed at one of the aforementioned males in response to the only comment I have ever deleted.

The first thirty thousand words of my novel on Argentina and relationships are available on a publisher's site. Anyone who would be interested in reading them and sending me much desired feedback, please send me a note and I will send you the link.

Lots of love and thanks to everyone for the support.

Emotionally Unavailable - women at war

Here’s a good one – I just found out I am Pimping my lover! Of all the things we women put ourselves through, this one is seriously absurd.

I decided to send an Email. We only communicate Raul and I, by text – it’s his preferred method of maintaining distance in between intense bouts of amor. Push/pull. Pull/push. It might be obvious that I’m rather wordy so of course the text is the perfect method of shutting me up. In my new way of insistence upon managing things clearly (which is going to be the end of us because committment phobes cant stand communication - they dont want to be known, it's too vulnerable), I composed an Email stating how I felt without blame in the best Manspeak I could muster.

When I got to the café (because 6 months in I STILL don’t have internet at home) the universe smiled on me and a past lover had sent a lovely supportive mail. I sent mine to Raul and although I don’t think I am going to be heard (According to ‘Stalking the Soul’ what the narcissistic abuser hates most is communication and being known) at least I have expressed myself. Honestly, clearly, no blame and with love thanks to the friendly input from the ex. Honestly – clearly – do men hear that or do they see hysteria – manipulation, whatever else they need for distance? No matter what you say there’s never ‘No blame’ because they always hear their mothers.

Then I went to the Salta forum on a famous travel site to respond to some posts. And I find a woman saying she agrees with me that Raul is indeed the most wonderful guide in Salta. And I am sorry to say that now I can’t resist stalking through her other posts and feeling fatal when I find that virtually every one of them extols his virtues BUT the first post thanks me for recommending him. Which I only did because we started this tour company together. And then she posts a recommendation for the hotel that his friends owns and where he puts his seductees because he can stay there and still feel in control. And then she’s posting her own recommendations saying that when people contact him don’t forget to say SHE sent them.

Here is a woman who’s obsessed. He’s put her in his hotel. She cant stop saying how fantastic he is to the entire World and she keeps coming back to Salta from Buenos Aires – No Doubt getting all those ‘Mi Amor, no puedo dejar de pensar en vos, cuando vuelves?’ texts that make her feel like the most adored thing in the universe. Thing is – I’m here and he keeps telling me I’m the only important thing in his life.

If anyone reads this – Please, please, please send me a message telling me I am an IDIOT and I need to break this guy’s hold on my life. If I need to move to Italy to do it, I WILL.  

Emotionally Unavailable Me or Him?

What a waste of a day. I was powering along nicely with editing and then went to use the net at my usual café on the plaza. The BD sat down two tables away. This time in the same café, not the next one along. I could be the grown up and speak to him, he came over.  Notwithstanding the break I wanted to grab him. We are Salta’s version of Ross and Rachel – unable to let go of each other.

I don’t want to let go of him. I sometimes wish I could but I will not. Does he want to let go of me? I have no idea what he’s thinking. He sat down in front of me when he could easily have gone to the other side of the plaza. Most women would read a lifetime of meaning into that.

I think he doesn’t really know what he wants. Freedom obviously but that isn’t an issue with me. Maybe he’s stuck in his culture where every single woman wants to get the handcuffs on and sit back for a free ride. But surely these guys must be getting accustomed to extranjeras now. We must seem like ball-breaking liberationists compared to the 1950s type Argentine women they usually encounter. Just look at the endless television commercials for cleaning products – Ladies take off your pinnies and start living.

He collects his tourists and leaves, making an extra circuit of the plaza to blow me a kiss as he drives past. I stare at my screen until the sun comes over and I can no longer see it and my battery dies. I come home out of the blazing heat and pace around the house wishing I could pour a gin at three in the afternoon.

Is it obsession? For more than a year we have been like this. Wanting and yet pulling back. It’s idiotic. Don’t people look for someone that moves them? Why when we find it do we do everything possible to push it away?

 

The point is that men DONT know what they want - That's why they act so crazy-making. Getting close, pulling away. It's up to a woman to maintain self control over her own emotions as well as his.

Writing Tango Addiction

I think I may have to beg to come back and promise to do everything you want this time and never flirt with your friends just to make you jealous and put some distance in between the intensity of our intimacy.

I wanted to get away from the goons who comment on this blog and to me privately through the blog who think they know me and those who do know me and then go to the blog to dig up my privacy because they can't get me to discuss it.

I didn't think of the lovely people who read and sometimes comment. The people who tell me their stories because hopefully they think someone might validate their experience.

I did start another blog but it's directed at writers. AS I am now going through a hellish editing process where I am expanding the theme of how heinous women can be in friendship and living through all those love affairs again. Also there is a problem with the title. It was to be 'Men With Axes' but my editor says it sounds like a slasher movie. 'Dancing in Dulce de Leche'  has been pushed but that wont play in Peckham. A reader suggested 'Last Tango in Buenos Aires' and I had almost reached that conclusion myself. 'Tango Intensity' and 'Tango Addiction' have also been suggested as a way to mix the dance and heated relationship themes.

Last Tango

That's All Folks!

Now that I dont live in Buenos Aires - and how GLAD I am of that - there is little point in writing on the city. I have attempted to write about women's issues here but there are too many people who think I am one of those solipsistic bloggers twittering on about my own life. People too lacking in intelligence to recognise rhetoric and the desire to initiate the lost art of conversation. It's true that there has been a dumbing down of society in the last few decades - most of the dumbest have ended up as ex-pats in BsAs.

I have had many personal stories sent to me via email rather than posted as a comment for the reading pleasure of gossips. Those stories have been reflected in the blog without names - they are not all my story. For people who seem to think they know so much about my personal life - I have had two long term boyfriends since living in Argentina and a slew of admirers aged 19-60 (or more!) much to the chagrin of so-called 'girlfriends' who used me to attract men, tried to live vicariously through my flirtations or just made the usual catty remarks. I still have the second boyfriend.

Some of the female commenters are as bad as the men. Venal comments designed to make themselves feel better. If you happen to have a good relationship, good for you - it's always about what you're prepared to put up with and many women will put up with ANYTHING to hang on to a man - Just check the bruises. The sort of women who blame a woman for being raped because she had too much lipstick on. I thank the Goddess that I am blessed with not having to feel jealousy for other women but I write about it in my book because women can be evil creatures to each other, usually with a sweet smile on their faces. We all know why men write bitchy comments.

Any one who wants to continue the conversation can read the book.

Emotionally Unavailable or Abusive

There were two comments last night on the 'Are Argentine Men Narcissistic?' post and they really needed bodily response so full of hurt and anger - a situation we all encounter with these guys too often.

Another comment on that same post (from a man) said 'Yeah, so w'hat?' That says it all really.

I was hoping that maybe some of the men who read this blog would divulge some of their secrets instead of getting either enraged or cocky but I guess that is their nature. Secrets to their behaviour would empower the enemy with too much knowledge. As it states in 'The Art of War' keep your opponent in the dark (or locked in the kitchen).

My commenter Mon calls Argentine men more than narcissistic - she says their behaviour is abusive. It certainly shows a lack of respect and a preference for control over the pleasures of intimate sharing but I cant decide about abuse. In my book I do liken it to abuse but in my dealings with the BD, I have a tendency to make excuses for his behaviour. Especially after speaking to his Mother. Numerous Argentine women have told me that it's the fault of the Mothers that Argentine men are cruel and immature liars but I haven't been able to resolve this idea either. All men have mothers. Only Argentines behave this way - all of them - In three years I have heard of very few exceptions.

I refer regularly to a brilliant book called 'Stalking the Soul' that details the behavioural traits of the abusive narcissist. I can generally recognize the BD in this book but more pertinently I can recognise two men I lived with at one time - One was American and one was Canadian.