'How to become an emotionally unavailable woman' and 'Do emotionally unvailable men ever get their shit together?' These were just two of the Google searches that were directed to Last Tango today. As well as a really long comment from a woman dating an Argentine that will have to be answered directly. Suffice to say she sounds as though she is hurting - And the bottom line is 'If it hurts it isn't love'. What do I know? I'm on the road for the Newspaper at the moment and in TIlcara, the manager offered me a room half price in my favourite hotel. I walked through the garden to the lovely casita and I had to go back and tell her, trying not to cry like una estupida that I could not stay there. 'I understand' she said. Too many memories. Everyone has them with an Argentine man.
All men hurt you. But it possibly hurts more with an Argentine because of the lies, because women really want to feel loved. You really feel loved and then they yank the rug and maybe you discover a bunch of horrors - either way it's not respectful and it hurts. Then it hurts more because they won't set you free but keep coming back, usually by text, saying they miss you. It's a seduction. RaZa did this to me many times until a friend in Cafayate said to me 'Oh Bullshit. I can't hear any more of these lies.' I thanked her and asked her to keep telling me the same. Because a person who loves you but wants to leave doesn't try to keep you dangling. Love is shared, Lust is selfish.
So the commenter and the second search - 'Does an Emotionally Unavailable Man Ever Get His Shit Together?' Bottom line - NO. We women seem to want to change our lovers. There is some really strange gene impertive going on that attracts us to disasters so we can make them different. Someone with more degrees than me has to explain it but I do know - we need to Stop. Because it aint working. And there is a very, but very, remote possibility they will change but ask yourself (as an eminent psych once said to me) How much of your life do you want to waste on the risk? (I was out of there the next day) If you can sit quietly and say to yourself; 'I am willing to accept this exactly as it is and make no more complaints or demands' then stay. If you wish it was diiferent, it's probably time to leave.
I tried it.The becoming emotionally unavailable - It didn't work. In fact it made it worse.
RaZa begged to see me enough that I thought that at least he was into me. I thought I Could handle his emotional unavailability and enjoy what we were able to create together. But it couldn't be done. The less I wanted, the more he acted out to get a distancing reaction. The more emotionally unavailable I was (which is an act for a woman - it's that old tactic of pretending to be busy but that only works in the first three months) the more he lured me into something so he could drop me from the precipice. But oh so subtley. It was hard to really get a handle on the situation because of all the excuses and the vanishings.
Finally, you can love someone for whatever thwarted reason but walk away because you don't feel good. Chemistry, great sex, spiritual connection, knowing that inside there's something different - meaningless if you don't have open communication followed by great sex. Abandonment followed by great sex is an illusion.
You don't have to love a pussy to have love and respect in return but your first relationship has to be with yourself.
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