Last Tango in Buenos Aires

SELLING a car in Argentina

It's that time. The car to the Clouds is going to drive off to new pastures. And if I found BUYING an auto in Argentina something of a nightmare (the insurance still has to be in the name of the dealer as foreigners can't own things here so if a claim was made the payout would go to them. Am I foolishly trusting?) then selling a car here is nigh on impossible.

I had lunch the other day with the partner of a foreign diplomat here who told me they were advised before coming not to buy a car as it was so difficult to sell, they could well find themselves having to leave it on the street and throw away the keys.

In some countries i.e. mine, you sell your car to a buyer, both sign the transfer attached to the car's registration and send it to DVLA. Much too simple and logical for Argentina. Here is the list of papers to be looked for with a massive waste of daily existence:

-Verificacion policial - Apparently proves that there are no stolen elements residing in your car

-CETA (to procure this from AFIP - the Federal Administration Dept or Ministry of Total Control - another paper called a Clave Fiscal must first be sought)

-Certificate 08 - The transfer of property must be signed in front of a law clerk.

-Libre Deuda patentes - a paper to prove you've paid yearly plate fees

-Libre infracciones - a paper to prove you've paid your fines (not including the police shakedowns endured over the years)

-Certificado Dominio - a paper that seems to prove nothing whatsoever and takes 10 working days to procure but apparently if you have any single liability for anything anywhere, you can't sell your car.

As if the list isn't heinous enough, the Argentine character is one that loves to give out incorrect information meaning extra journey to government offices all over town will be made. And it would appear that Argentina is not actually one country but a set of provinces that operate as individual and autonomous totalitarian regimes. If the car is registered in one province, the idea of having moved to another locale and selling a car is something akin to mass murder - you must be up to something. In Buenos Aires there are "Casas" pertaining to each state but that doesn't mean they carry out any useful activity.

Currently the concept of driving two thousand miles round trip for some useless paper makes me want to dump the thing on the street. Must be why there are so many trashed out abandoned cars here.

 

Falling in Love - Argentine style

I am reposting a comment left by Jessica on the post "How do Argentine Men Treat Women".

I have to say I agree with her (despite people commenting that there are "as many differnt Argentines as there are men") that this culture demonstrates a major, pero MAJOR misunderstanding of what LOVE is. And yes there are dogs in all countries but I've never heard of this many cases of evil cruelty and lack of basic human respect - never mind lack of respect for the "Goddess" who was the "Love of your Life".

While I think we are seduced because we find it hard to believe a man would be so passionate if he didn't really feel it, I also agree with a commenter who called us "Stupid". Every Argentine falls in love in two days - and that can never be true love.

Here's Jessica's comment :

I have to say that I wish I'd read this before I'd started my relationship with a Porteno. I feel compelled to share my story...

We met in the spring, we talked, we clicked, everything felt right. I was in the process of leaving my husband and making changes in my life when - let's call him G - and I met. We had the same interests and were passionate about the same things, we could talk for hours and hours - we were only friends at first. In a short time he pursued me very intensely - and I mean INTENSE! I have never witnessed anything like it back in the States. For the first time, I was called a Goddess and every day I heard how wonderful I was and he recounted to me in all the ways he loved me. G was constantly texting me, dedicating songs to me, singing to me. Within a month, G said that he wanted to be my partner for life, that I was a drug and he couldn't get enough of me: I was the woman he'd been waiting for and he'd never loved anyone like he loved me. We could not stand to spend one second apart from each other. I got along great with his kids and he loved to see me spending time with them, he was helping my son learn Spanish, I talked to his teenage daughter frequently... it seemed so amazing.

For the next month things got very intense and he asked me to marry him and G said that he wanted to have children with me. Everything felt so right, so wonderful. I did what I could to hurry the divorce process back home and there were some issues with custody. I wrote G and told him that I may not be able to make it to BsAs in the next few months because of some issues I needed to resolve and he never wrote me again. I couldn't figure out what I had done wrong! It just went cold. I eventually received an email from him stating that "ahora entiendo que "vivir lo nuestro" no seria possible por algun tiempo porque de tus chicos. sos LA MEJOR PRECIO DE ESTA VIDA! Perhaps you will find happiness in the arms of another man before you can return to BsAs. Quiero lo mejor por vos!"

I found out a month later that he started talking to another woman THE DAY AFTER I told him that I wouldn't be able to see him in the original time frame we'd planned. I was never Ms. Right... for him, it was all about Ms. RIGHT NOW. There is absolutely no concept of what love really is, it astounds me!!! And to think that I formed a connection with his kids, and he with mine... I feel stupid, and like the WORST MOTHER IN THE WORLD! :( I couldn't believe that what we were doing could have been anything but love.

I just wanted to share my story, I hope that it helps someone. Please be careful when talking to any man in Buenos Aires. In the US there are some men who are major dogs, but I have never seen anyone be treated this way, and I have never seen a man use kids like this to get to a woman. Unbelievable.

Emotional Unavailability starts with You

Living in Argentina demands the acquisition of patience. Bureaucracy, corruption, hyperinflation, bad food, cheating men. It's a good characteristic to learn despite the hardship endured while learning and perhaps a characteristic useful anywhere in the world. Even the cheating men have been a very useful lesson. The Argentine man is exceptionally macho. Even the ones who aren't macho are incredibly macho. It's a culture that didn't shift in the seventies revolution when women demanded equality in the Northern Anglo Saxon cultures. But in that epoca, it was the women who demanded a change in the men and the men required to respond if they wanted to be accepted. In Argentina the women have never demanded so the men have never changed. It's not their fault. Maybe it's ours. The majority of foreign women seem to have problems with Argentine men (and they ultimately with us, once the fascination turns to frustration) but some have wonderful relationships.

An Argentine man may always be selfish but he will be exceptionally loving. Once you get past the chamuyo into a deeper relationship, they are capable of great passion. I have learnt while living and loving here that an Argentine man has the same needs in love as a Northern man but the Northerner has them buried now.

All the single women reading myriad books about how to make a man into you, paying for male secrets downloaded from love blogs, throwing the same questions out on the Unavailable Commitmentphobic forums - all need to live in a macho culture for a while. Loving a Latino makes it obvious what a man wants and needs.

He needs to be loved. This seems obvious but some of us are not good at always letting him feel that he's loved. - We are too good at letting him know we are disappointed.

He needs to be appreciated. It is very important deep inside a man's soul to provide for a woman - he used to be out killing sabre tooth tigers with a big stick and would probably secretly prefer to be doing that still rather than sitting in that bank tower. Even if he isn't providing for us financially, he has to provide protection, caring, security. It is our job to let him know he is providing and that we are grateful for it rather than whingeing that he hasn't taken out the garbage. (I use the garbage cliché because it is so indicative of our times. His task - Our irritation at his shortcomings). This is a problem within unequal cultures. We foreigners are generally more financially equipped than locals. He might like the opportunity to be a gigolo but still needs to somehow feel he is providing therefore don't you pay for dinner, drive home AND get on top in bed.

He needs to feel excited. Yes in the obvious way but MORE so in spiritual ways. A woman should be something to be admired, a worthwhile partner for him to have captured. A little bit of a challenge but not too much. Intellectually stimulating, but not too much. Adventurous, unpredictable and independent, but not too much. How you balance these qualities according to your man's levels indicates your success or failure in a relationship.

He needs to feel support. You feel you are supporting him just by sharing the bathroom with him but he needs to feel your support. (Men are all the same in this - we operate on talking, they operate on feelings. If you remember nothing else, a relationship works or fails based on how a man FEELS each moment of every day). A man faces constant demands and pressures in the world, he has been brought up with a ton of expectations. When he comes home he needs to know that you are there for him even if he has done something idiotic and you just feel like slapping him around. Patience is required in the face of dumb mistakes.

He needs to feel accepted. It's been said a billion times - Men are from Mars etc - but we don't seem to take it in. Men are not like us. Recognise it, let it be okay and there will be harmony. Because you can't change him and you will kill your love trying.

An Argentine (in Argentina) is only now being exposed to women who want to share and communicate as friends. They don't understand it fully yet but they are quite disposed to learning it slowly and in their own way. The rule with an argentine is the same as the rest of the world - there are a lot of players and bullshitters, looking for ego boosts, damaged by the past and unable to move through - the rule is the same anywhere - when you get a good one , let yourself grow as you nurture the relationship until it flowers. Love without demands.

I'm currently unsure what I'm going to do with this blog. I've had it almost five years and it has taken its own path and diverged from the route I'd planned as often as the book for which it's named did. Last Tango, the book was finally born in June this year, having changed from its original premise of woman learning from her tango experiences in a foreign culture. This blog changed from an account of living in Buenos Aires before it was flooded with expats to a constant expose of intercultural relationships based on my own, my friend's and the experiences of the many women who emailed their stories to me. Some have been glad to read it, some have been angry. Personally I have learned a great deal but I don't think I can continue.

I am not a relationship guru and never set out to be. I only wanted to share and learn from each other as our Mothers used to do sitting around a kitchen table with a cuppa (java). Women have lost that culture of support now, we have less time for hanging out while babies are asleep in their prams. Instead of complaining to each other, we complain to our men. And they get very tired of it.  

I have nearly finished my new book, an intricate tragic love story set against a background of spells and plant magic in the ancient cultures of the Andes and the Amazon.

It's based in love. I don't know whether it partners well with this blog or whether I should start a new blog based on loving.

Only love. Love yourself first and learn how to love a man.

Argentinian Men - Just Step Back (or at Least Take Care)

It's been said many times and although you especially won't believe it when you're suffering relationship meltdown, every relationship happens for a reason. It's particularly hard to consider when you've been or are in a relationship with an EU, but it's even more pertinent even if the reason is that you need to look at yourself and ask why you keep repeating the pattern.

When I separated from DEG I was really upset. I say upset not devastated because I had already been devastated the first time he left. This is the first clue to an EU - someone who keeps walking out on you for distance and drama - usually in an unkind way. People who love each other break up with respect even if it's over the phone (Text break ups are not respectful - the other person deserves a chance to express themselves) EUs usually break up cruelly leaving you reeling and wondering what you did wrong.

You did nothing wrong.

Even if you had a fight and you said mean things.

EUs often precipitate fights with their bad behaviour then switch it onto you.

It is not about anything you did. A relationship is built on the basic foundation that when you fight the relationship is not at stake.

So when DEG left - without a word -I wasn't as devastated as I was the first time. This is the second clue. The behaviour is more than likely to happen again -99% likely. It should be 100% but there are exceptions. We all know people whose lovers have left and then come back begging forgiveness with excuses and have gone on to make successful relationships. This is part of the problem - as women we really want to believe that this is our situation - special and different. But in 99% of cases it isn't.

When I decided to get back together with DEG, accept his excuses as legitimate and give it a chance - I did so with one massive personal caveat. He would not be able to hurt me like that again. Inside I thought 'This is his character and while I'm going to make another effort, I'm also going in holding a small piece of myself secure so he won't be able to destroy me again.

He did it again less than two months later. While I was very upset mostly because of the way he did it I wasn't destroyed and I turned around and got back to work. In a way it was fortunate that he walked out while I was at work and stole almost all my pro camera equipment - At least I missed him less. But the biggest benefit was being able to work again. He had not wanted me to write saying 'I don't want to be a lab rat in a cage' and I had been constricted by that even though I wasn't writing about him. (Another clue there actually - he was the centre of the world). I wanted to write the greatest love story and he was stopping me. Or out of respect to his feelings I was stopping myself. I couldn't even do all the work of publishing LTBA that I'd completed before I even met him because he required so much attention. Whether it was eating the elaborate meals he cooked for lunch or cleaning up the disaster in the kitchen or the endless mini dramas we seemed to endure - he needed to be focused upon.

He quit his job because he felt trapped inside and wanted to be free like me. But he didn't have the necessary abilities to do my job and so I was responsible for him and while working he either sucked my energy or never gave me support more than washing the car.

While I feel that I should have been more accepting of my initial gut reaction to his personality, I was blindsided by how sweet everyone said he was and by the intensity of his love - two common attributes of EUs. This is the third clue - If your gut says something listen carefully. Women's intuition is there for a reason Loss is always rotten but I'm grateful to be able to work again. Finding something that gives you pleasure (outside of half a dozen margaritas and a litre of chocolate almond ice cream) or fulfillment is key.  Now I'm at work on the great love story - he's just not in it.

Emotionally Unavailable Style

Many women want to know how to recognise the traits of emotional unavailability and while there are generally very obvious indicators, some men have it so well-camouflaged, you won't realise you've hooked one until you're - hooked.

Now I don't entirely blame the man for the emotionally unavailable relationship. We all draw to us what we need to learn from and drawing an emotionally unavailable man, especially repeatedly, is an indication of abandonment issues. Something regurgitating from childhood, probably forgotten, that needs to be outed. A woman who dates emotionally unavailable men regularly, or accepts the behaviour, is doing so because she is comfortable with it on an unconscious level.

I am very aware of the emotionally unavailable traits and have done pretty well moving away from them every time they appear, but this time I was fooled by an expert.

Most people adore the Don. He has charm down to an art, the consensus on his character is 'Sweet'. And I thought so too - a caring, kind and loving man. Able to love without game-playing and pulling away. Ha. Firstly his preferred method of communication is texting - Mixed with chamuyo. Therefore I was the Diosa every day in various forms. Ok so he's chasing and wanting to make sure I know I'm desired. Why then did he leave me sick in bed when his ex-suegras came to the hotel? Why did he go out with his friend on my only night in the hotel and try to get into my room at 1.30am? Why was he incommunicado at Christmas when he was off with his family? I put all these things down to the Argentine culture. But really I was just making excuses for something I didn't want to admit.

He was running away.

He was demonstrating to me that he wasn't really there for me.

He was expert at seduction - women fell around at the hotel with all that 'Hola Senorita' bullshit. He knew he could charm with his sweet and humble nature. But it's a facade.

And when he ran away, I pulled back and he felt safe and started chasing me again. Swearing it was going to be OK, that his life was in a turmoil when he met me and to give him time to fix it.That I was the Love of his Life. The best he'd ever had. What woman doesn't want to believe that?

He teased me about the book  - it must be my fault he said, making men behave like that (except hundreds of other women have told me the same story). He had his own story to tell about Argentine women. Cue complaining about the ex. Argentine women are all self-centred, bad companions, don't communicate and throw your love back in your face because they only want macho daddys. My question was "Why stick around for FIVE years then?"

The answer is that this style suited him. That a woman who was cold to him was a woman he could chase freely without feeling connected. When he met a woman who wanted his love all the time and nothing else, he had to start running.

The Man of the Thousand Excuses all his friends call him. I would call him The Man of the Thousand Promises. And all of them broken. I had my first indicator in the first month of our relationship when he told me, right after saying I was his amor, that soon he would go back to Cordoba and we should stay friends. Without detailing, this kind of loss is very difficult for me and kicks up post-trauma. I have to be very careful with it. I went into the garden to have my little sob and he followed me out and burst into tears. Not for my situation (which I shared with him very maturely) but for his situation with his Father. And so it went on. Whenever I had an issue, he would burst into tears about his issue and I would forget myself and care for him. It was always about him.

And this is one of the major indicators of emotional unavailability - narcissism.

He loved me not for me but for the things I gave him that he needed in his life and had no ability to deliver to himself. Be it money, sex, job, creativity. When he left me he would tell me he learned marvellous things from me - but I didn't want a pupil.

The other indicator for emotional unavailability is coldness. This also is hard to detect for sure. All men are chilly at times, they just go within for a while. But in this scenario, your feelings will always play second fiddle to his. Knowing about my trauma thing, he used it whenever he was pissed with me. So one time, when I was exhausted and emotional, instead of giving me time, space and support, he threw his stuff into a bag and left.

I let him come back that time. WHY? Because many women have experienced the man in torment with his overwhelming feelings and the break-up has made them re-evaluate what they want and they've gone on to satisfying relationships. I thought we had reached that point. But in reality, he just couldnt hack it on his own. He wanted to live off me but he resented living off me. 'I feel like a SLAVE' he screamed at me. So go get a job I thought. When I finally told him he should get a job, only because I needed him out of the house for a part of the day so I could do something, he left again.

Not only left but disappeared while I was working - knowing I'd struggle with the post trauma again. Sweet and Kind people who Love you dont leave without a word. But there's one good thing. Once someone has hurt you once, they dont (or shouldnt) have the power to do it again. If you are going to give a man another chance, don't get caught up too soon in all the amor de mi vida promises, hold back a little of yourself until he's shown he's worthy of that chance.

 

Argentinian Men

Even the Argentine women agree...

Chicas!!! He encontrado un artículo muy divertido sobre los hombres argentinos ... Me parece muy justo! = D

Are Argentine Men Narcissistic? (Emotional Unavailability Part 44432)

Lorena Galvez copied the post to her forum - see link here

Mira Chicas

This sort of validation is soothing my rage for a man who took money to service my car (while he also took my car for two weeks for which I had to pay for escribania papers - no one but you, not even your spouse - can drive your car in Argentina unless you have these rather expensive papers with you) and never serviced the car. Only because I give it a good check up every time I pick up new clients did I discover the oil was grazing the bottom. He's still lying about it. Claiming he doesn't know the address, can't remember the name or number of the mechanic.

The bare facedness of the lying here is pretty hysterical.

What Are Argentine or Argentinian Men Like

Was it strangely inauspicious timing that just a few days after telling the 'amor de mi vida' that he needed to get a job and contribute, he packed his stuff and vanished before I got back from work, leaving all the doors to the house unlocked?

He quit his job in a hotel over three months ago in order to work with me - uninvited as he doesn't speak English but he's a wonderful man and he had unfulfilled creativity so I let him live with me so that he could create. The 'Man of the Thousand Excuses' his friends call him and since January, he's painted not one thing.

His scribbled note said his excuse for leaving the 'amor de mi vida' was that he feels as though he defraudes me (translation could mean cheat, disappoint or thwart hopes - how I loathe these multiple spanish meanings) all the time. Simple answer to this would be 'stop then' but it's so much easier to be a victim and in denial, running away instead of facing reality. This I put down culturally to the Argentine closed experience of the world through most of the last century - The inability to admit to a genocide that routed out all the liberal thinking creatives and intellectuals.

It's very hard as a foreigner, not to feel used here. The amor was even advised by his friends, the last time he ran away from me, to just come back and take advantage. I can't bear to believe that's what he did and will try to understand it as their different attitude to 'love'.

Love here is a flexible concept. Te amo means right in this moment but not necessarily the next moment. The word commitment doesn't exist here - it called compromiso - but a compromise is something else entirely. However, it's plain that commitment is impossible for the Argentine, be it a business appointment, a date with a friend or love. It depends on their whim and whether they feel like it at the very instant.  I know language teachers in BsAs who refuse to tutor Argentines for their inability to arrive at class but if you happen to be involved with one, it can be very very difficult to trust.

It's so easy to use words like 'love' and 'forever' because they expect you to know that in their culture, they simply don't mean it or what we would call, a complete lack of respect.

I was side-swiped by a blog that pops up in Google with mine. An expat male talking about what bitches the Argentine women are - the comments are hysterical. Men sharing their own experiences but the most recent are two women insulting each other to the death. One lays into the other for being a Gringa here and abuses her for the war and the drug-running and it turns out the other is Argentine and they both go at each other for a while.  A real cultural insight. Check it out here :)

Argentine Girls

Argentine Men versus Women (Chicken or Egg?)

An interesting comment from an Argentine man is re-posted below. I've heard from a number of men (including various taxi drivers who can always be counted on for an opinion or thirty) that it's the women in Argentina who make the men the way they are. Obviously I can't express a personal opinion here as I don't date women but I have found friendships with them are not the same as they are with English/American women. Some might say that's the typical Gringa versus Latina culture clash.

Men have said that the women aren't companions and friends, you can't share much with them, they think only of a fat wallet and being looked after, of getting married and having someone else pay the bills. Nothing you do for them is ever enough, they moan and bitch and want more.If you love them they think you're a cissy and look for a macho to battle with, or play games as Carlos says.

I sat in the kitchen making cocktails while a man cooked me dinner - No one had ever before chatted and kept him company while he cooked, he said. I explained that it's culturally typical to share the cooking while talking about your day, but then it's normal for Gringo couples to share many more things together than is usual here. If we're going to be in a relationship then we want to share experiences, otherwise it's easier to be single.

Here's a word from Carlos -

Well i´ve read some of the post here and theres a lot of angry women. I havent been out of argentina so i dont know how the men are in other places. But i can tell you that here women are dificult. (maybe they are like this in all places). Here, the ladies are really teasers... but the minute you show some interest, they know they are control and it´s all uphill from there.. so there is a bit of a lying game. Perhaps in other countries it´s all more sincere and if a girl likes you she just tell you. What im trying to say its that men in argentina are like that (all sweet in the begining and lyers in the end) because its the way women shaped us.

Words of Wisdom from Other Wonderful Women

I am reposting here a great comment received from Heather. She says she read the blog when she first met her guy and thought/hoped he would be different. Oh what a mistake we all make in that department, in whatever country we happen to live in.

I too thought that D would be different. I was the Goddess every day and I began to feel that I should change the ending to the book to show that there could be a good one. Needless to say I did little creative work while our relationship took centre stage and whenever I was upset, he would start crying, so that I did the caring, making it all about him.

I can't write much at this raw moment and I have to get on with the book cover and formatting. Let Heather say it like it is and Feliz Dia de la Mujer to all wounded ladies everywhere - we are strong and deserve so much better.

 

A new comment from “heather” was received on the post “Are Argentine Men Narcissistic? (Emotional Unavailability Part 44432)” of the blog “Last Tango in Buenos Aires”.

Comment:
it's all true. every bit of it. i dated mine for 8 months and at first he was charming and made me feel so special like i was the only girl he was interested in. i was so in love with him. then, as time went on i found overly friendly messages from girls and he always lied about them saying they were just friends. anyway, to spare the details he was a definite ladies man and waited until he found someone better, or someone new, and he chose to be with her over me. i took care of him for 8 months while he had no car, bought things for his home and bought his dinner so many times. i gave him a choice and he chose her. when she found out he had a gf she stopped talking to him and he is right back trying to be with me. too bad he picked the wrong person to kiss his ass this time. they are all selfish liars. i read this way back when we first dated because i had some weird instincts about him, and i was like "maybe he is different".... he was not. be VERY cautious dating these guys.

Argentine Culture in the Book

I’ve had Last Tango locked down for a couple of months now thanks to one particular person who tried to use it to destroy my travel business. Tripadvisor is a site with unbelievable power in the industry and many use it deceitfully to market themselves. One particular person has been riddled with envy since I came to NOA and instead of building her own business, takes every opportunity to diss me, including mailing my clients and telling them they’re liars and frauds.

When someone wrote ‘Have you seen Tracy’s Blog (link to LTBA) I wouldn’t take the kids’, visitors spiked in the worst way and business enquiries plummeted. Ironic as I had just been out on a trip with two super kids from Montreal who didn’t seem traumatized by my company.

The internet can be a dangerous place where people hide behind avatars and anonymously use forums in an attempt to destroy their competition. I’ve noticed however that the clients with brain cells remaining are able to read between the lines and a lot of a person’s real character still comes through online.

Last Tango has been amazingly helpful in writing the book. Giving me the opportunity to test theories and vent my frustrations as I try to understand an almost completely opposing culture. From the number of private mails and comments received, it’s been a source of validation for other ‘Western’ women attempting the same uphill struggle.

My parents emigrated to Toronto when I was two and a doctor told my homesick mother that it takes five years to integrate to a new culture (and Canada is not that foreign to the English). One of the trickiest things is to take each new relationship as that, new, and not apply preconceptions based on recent experience. Especially when a culture is so dominant. One Argentine man, refuting the concept of generalisation said, ‘It’s like saying the English are all boozers.’ We are. We know it and accept it.

Possibly an Argentine man is just a tincture of any man, distilled down to its most potent. Any man is excited at the beginning of a new chase and a woman must efficiently manage that heated interest so it doesn’t implode – but that wasn’t really any different in London and New York. In Argentina the heat is more intense and harder to resist. Here you are a Goddess and receive morning texts comparing you to the fragrantly flowering jasmine all around. Certainly starts the day on the right note.

The big difference is after the chase is over. In Argentina it’s extremely difficult to convert the man to the lover-friend we are accustomed to further North. Once caught, women seem to be pushed into the role of house slave and/or house slapper, the friendship and respect dries up. I know Americans and Euros who have returned to Argentina with a husband who has instantly reverted to type before he’s even made it through customs. Your culture can smother and betray you and should be monitored with vigilance whoever you are.

Truly nothing lasts forever so I’m just off to enjoy being a Goddess for as long as I can