Last Tango in Buenos Aires

Blokes and Buenos Aires Inflation

It's always interesting to go to Buenos Aires for a dose of improbable piropos. Spent a week there during the rain and floods living with Betty Ford who in between drunken blackouts, ragged around because the internet server was down and the elevator was stuck thanks to cortes de luz - power cuts.

The American Embassy from the window of the apartment. It should be a NY skyline behind but during the blackouts only the megalith powered on through the night.

The Money Launderer, who had promised to make time for me whan I came to town, went to Punta del Este for the weekend, begging me to wait for him until he returned Monday lunchtime.
'Please wait me. I dead for you aunque no parezca, really, I think all the time in you'.

He was thinking so hard he forgot to call me until Wednesday when Mummy let him out.
'Hi I be back...'
'Can I see you Babe'
 'When we going to made a definition?'

'I need you'

The need thing is quite ubiquitous here - It must have derived some success over the centuries, making women feel in control long enough for the man to get back on top. My Argentine girlfriends declared him an idiota. They are so lacking in good swear words in Spanish. There really is nothing passionate about these guys. They churn it out in order to use a woman as a convenience and spice up their boring suburban lives. All those marrieds running off to telos before dinner. Still waiting for evidence of one genuinely, spiritually passionate man in this country.

The only other shock was the prices. Every day Buenos Aires falls further under the delusion that it's Paris. They are on the edge of biting off the hand that feeds. Economy recovered thanks to tourism, excess inflation kills said tourism. No wonder they have these constant economic crashes.

How Do Argentine Men Treat Women

It is quite surprising the sorts of things people Google search - Are they looking for validation? Survivors Groups?

I had a long chat today with the owner of a boutique hotel. How was I managing the machismo she wanted to know. And told me how envious she is observing the foreign (English and American) couples that have stayed with her over the years. How they appear to be in love. How they are best friends. How the men seem to enjoy being in the company of a woman rather than enduring it. I have clients here now who spend every day doing things together and say they don't need friends - They are all they need. This in contrast to RaZa looking at me as though I had just landed and saying he could never, but never, be best friends with a woman.

It's cultural and the hotel owner doesn't think it will change for many generations to come. Worse in the North - the women are to be used, expected to endure infidelity or even abuse and dropped when they ask for equality or even a bit of respect. She said a man who tries to change will be villified by his friends for being a pussy. I remember RaZa not wanting to go out to a friend's house when he could stay home with me and being told by his 'friend' that he was 'Dominated'. (I actually wanted to go).

The piropos and endearments are wonderful but they are designed to seduce and manipulate you into giving whatever he wants. You will be alright so long as you don't believe them.

As the owner said, it's sad for women who want to develop something a little less shallow than the endless round of seduction and bedding - The attention will feed you ego once or twice but in the end it's boring and you avoid it. It's sad that over time a culture has developed where people can be so cold.

How to Become an Emotionally Unavailable Woman

'How to become an emotionally unavailable woman' and 'Do emotionally unvailable men ever get their shit together?' These were just two of the Google searches that were directed to Last Tango today. As well as a really long comment from a woman dating an Argentine that will have to be answered directly. Suffice to say she sounds as though she is hurting - And the bottom line is 'If it hurts it isn't love'. What do I know? I'm on the road for the Newspaper at the moment and in TIlcara, the manager offered me a room half price in my favourite hotel. I walked through the garden to the lovely casita and I had to go back and tell her, trying not to cry like una estupida that I could not stay there. 'I understand' she said. Too many memories. Everyone has them with an Argentine man.

All men hurt you. But it possibly hurts more with an Argentine because of the lies, because women really want to feel loved. You really feel loved and then they yank the rug and maybe you discover a bunch of horrors - either way it's not respectful and it hurts. Then it hurts more because they won't set you free but keep coming back, usually by text, saying they miss you. It's a seduction. RaZa did this to me many times until a friend in Cafayate said to me 'Oh Bullshit. I can't hear any more of these lies.' I thanked her and asked her to keep telling me the same. Because a person who loves you but wants to leave doesn't try to keep you dangling. Love is shared, Lust is selfish.

So the commenter and the second search - 'Does an Emotionally Unavailable Man Ever Get His Shit Together?' Bottom line - NO. We women seem to want to change our lovers. There is some really strange gene impertive going on that attracts us to disasters so we can make them different. Someone with more degrees than me has to explain it but I do know - we need to Stop. Because it aint working. And there is a very, but very, remote possibility they will change but ask yourself (as an eminent psych once said to me) How much of your life do you want to waste on the risk? (I was out of there the next day) If you can sit quietly and say to yourself; 'I am willing to accept this exactly as it is and make no more complaints or demands' then stay. If you wish it was diiferent, it's probably time to leave.

I tried it.The becoming emotionally unavailable - It didn't work. In fact it made it worse.

RaZa begged to see me enough that I thought that at least he was into me. I thought I Could handle his emotional unavailability and enjoy what we were able to create together. But it couldn't be done. The less I wanted, the more he acted out to get a distancing reaction. The more emotionally unavailable I was (which is an act for a woman - it's that old tactic of pretending to be busy but that only works in the first three months) the more he lured me into something so he could drop me from the precipice. But oh so subtley. It was hard to really get a handle on the situation because of all the excuses and the vanishings.

Finally, you can love someone for whatever thwarted reason but walk away because you don't feel good. Chemistry, great sex, spiritual connection, knowing that inside there's something different - meaningless if you don't have open communication followed by great sex. Abandonment followed by great sex is an illusion.

You don't have to love a pussy to have love and respect in return but your first relationship has to be with yourself.

The Men - or 'Oh Dear, You're Dating an Argentine'

It's quite amusing how many men comment with vitriol in response to posts about the Argentine man, never considering that every woman is saying exactly the same thing, be she extranjera or Argentine. Adapt to our culture, they say, not bothering to notice even Argentines hate their culture. When you fall in love, Argentine women commiserate with you. They know what will inevitably come to pass. I know numerous Portenas in their twenties who simply do not date any more - Tired of being used as sex slaves. It's worse to be used that way after a bunch of lies you have gradually started to believe. But then the men and the wise old taxi drivers say they are not the histericos - the histerica Argentine woman made them behave that way.

So it's a case of which came first - the histerico chicken or the histerica egg? Either way, it's a drag for a lot of people. Women hate being hurt and unable to trust. Men aren't getting all the sex they could have if they only changed their attitudes. 'We are not all the same' they scream, before continuing to demonstrate their culturally typical behaviour. They're called cliches for a reason. And in case you were wondering, they are worse, much much worse in the North. At least in BsAs they have been exposed to some independent women - either foreign or locally purchased with Papi's credit card. Here they are treated as kitchen slaves, every one.

I have one English friend in Buenos Aires who has had a lovely Argentine man for the last 15 years but then he couldn't get out of Argentina fast enough and has always lived abroad. The only chance is if they have been exposed to foreign culture and also learned to adapt to it. I also have a Swedish friend who married an Argie in Stockholm and he was marvellous. When they moved here, he instantly reverted to type and she divorced him. Maybe it's in the soil.

I have noticed that the men call you Loca when you object to shabby treatment - making it all your fault and not owning any responsibility. And now they have developed a new strategy for dealing with independence - They give you their number and tell you to call them. Patetico. They have now aborted all responsibility and possibility for rejection and if you do call them, beware! It means you are desperate and gagging for it.

Love, Narcissism and Happy 2010

I am going to resist all those summing up articles that are deemed necessary at this unreal point in time, along with resolutions and fad diets and instead mentiopn a couple of comments received today on the feed.

One said she must be rather narcissitic as she enjoyed the flattery and may need to make a trip to Argentina in '10. Firstly no worries on that score - true narcissists have no idea they are so self-absorbed. Second - the flattery is great for the ego and for re-building any self-esteem or confidence lost after a break up. So yeah baby, come on down. The problem is that seducers are well practised and aren't going to let you get away with having your ego pumped - They want something in return. And the heavy seduction kicks in, which soon leads to pain.

The second commenter was clearly distressed, saying she felt she had been hooked in, was unable to break free from a man she knew deep down did not deserve her and wanted to know whether Argentine men prefer Americans over Argentines. (My experience is they much prefer English over Americans but then they would say that to me). It's the topic I address in my novel, the problem of relating from different cultures. Yes they are fascinated by the foreigness of us and more importantly, as a psychiatrist once told me, independence, like other enviable characteristics, is something to be possessed and destroyed. I've got a couple of female EX friends in Buenos Aires who are testament to this.

So the fascination soon wears off and they start trying to dominate and remove the freedom they initially found so seductive. One sign is that he suddenly attempts culo sex (if he hadn't already). All I can say to my unhappy commenter is that once a man cools it is virtually impossible to get him back to that state that seduced you in the first place, that of intense attention and adoration, unless you in turn cool off and offer him a subtle reason to chase you again. It does work but you will re-live the same heartache as he recycles through the same pattern. 

I say withdraw before he hurts you even more. It becomes harder each time, like a wheel sinking deeper into a rut. And do like my first commenter - Try to let some flattery from others soothe your pain.

LOVE (like you've never known pain) and DANCE. Happy 2010 to everyone

'Love' and the Passionate Argentine Man

In response to a commenter who asked me for advice about her intense and passionate new relationship with an Argentine man,I can only humbly offer the following based on mountains of (sometimes painful) research.

As with most things in life, there can be a dark side to love. Where love is not about two people gradually learning to share experience and friendship that is wrapped up in sexual joy. It is based on an emptiness inside that makes the lover seek out others to fill his void.

To cover this void from the outside world, these men are usually very seductive charmers. Somewhere in the 17th Century, men turned into coquettes (witness the fashion of the time) and learned that women are seduced by words and that their need for flattery and to feel superior to the women around them is innate. The legends of Don Juan and Casanova were born and we still believe in that image of the Latin lover. Every extranajera I know has succumbed to the passion of the macho but it is all based on words and flattery- meaningless.

Hence they have to seduce you quickly before you realise just how meaningless. Before they themselves realise just how meaningless and move on to the next. This is how you become the Sun, Moon and Stars, their Heaven, their Life. You want to believe it. Hollywood has coerced us into the dream of instant Happy Ever After and follows Mother Nature in appealing to our vanity. But a love that instant cannot be real. What is is based on? When I asked the BD how come he loved me so much when he hardly knew me he mentioned my beauty and Because I am English. There's a lifelong committment for you. What happens when the next English tourist comes along? There are more and more of them in Salta every season.

The only way to know for sure is to put the brakes on and keep putting them on in the face of intense pressure to submit. A thing easily won is easily spurned. Maybe he is the Special One but if he is, what's the rush? It may be flattering but deep inside you know it isn't based on any real appreciation of you as a person - it's nothing but a Pygmalion illusion.

Tiger Woods Example

All this week in New York, the American media have been freaking out about Tiger Woods's infidelity. Once you become accustomed to Argentine attitudes to sex and marriage, these attitudes seem laughably over-moralising. Whose business is it really whether a politician or celeb sleeps around? CBS news had two psychologists on the couch for the all-encompassing interview 'Why Do Men Cheat?'

The response of the male psych was - The overpowering greed of celebrity. If this is so, Buenos Aires must be full of stars. Every bus driver is famous. Every old goat is famous. Celebrity is not a reason for sense of entitlement. Narcissism is though and that is abundant in Argentina. The response of the female psych was - Why do they bother to get married in the first place? A more interesting proposal.

After my mini world tour I am afraid of becoming even more cynical as I sit here with my married 'amor' who treats me like a sex toy at his disposal - or is trying to except he is fronting a cold blast of fria. It isn't easy - this coldness. I realise now that it isn't part of my culture. English women like to josh. In England if a man says hello on the street and ou blast him with ice, you are going to get back at least a 'Cheer up luv' and possibly 'Miserable cow'.

In NY the men on the street are very respectful. Their comments are designed to make everyone have a nice day. They've been customized through four decades of women's lib.

Number of decades of women's lib passed in Argentina - 0.

Would I rather live in a country where you can be friends with a man and enjoy spirited conversation or would I rather be called a Goddess all the time? After comparing three countries in close proximity time-wise, respect is better.

What Taxi Drivers Know

What I am looking forward to eating soon -

Blueberries, Plain yoghourt, egg and bacon and baked beans, curry, thai noodles, real coffee, Sunday roast, coquille st jacques, any dessert that doesnt contain dulce de leche

Back in BsAs. The taxi driver was delighted to inform me that England is the most cultured place in the world and what the hell was I doing in this hell hole. We had a deep discussion about literature (My book!) and he said that during the Falklands (Malvinas) war the English army had always behaved like complete gentlemen. Naturally that introduced the subject of gentlemen and he was not surprised at the amount of chamuyo I have been obliged to endure. A single European woman is an immense target here.

It is not my culture to have men bullshit me constantly. This is the problem. An English man struggles to give compliments but when he does, you can be damn sure he means it. I am stupid enough to believe everything people tell me because I am accustomed to a culture of honesty. As Miss X said yesterday, I need to gather some cultural competence. So when RaZa said he loved me and wanted us to live together that was bullshit and I should have laughed in his face. I am just concerned that in the process I will become really cynical.

Fiesta at La Estancia de Cafayate

Saturday night was Noche de Brujas for most but party time in Cafayate. An unusual occurence - in fact NEVER before have over a hundred Americans descended on the town at the same time - an event deemed worthy of coverage by journos from the NY Times, Daily Telegraph and Mail on Sunday. (Since when do journos get to stay at the most expensive hotel in town, or even the continent - Patios is over $500US a  night - for an 800 word piece. What recession?)

They weren't however writing about the impact of the group on the town's infrastructure nor on my social life, but on the property and financial appeal for investors. The Estancia de Cafayate is on the outskirts of town, a little way down Ruta 40 and then a long way down a drive through vineyards to the estate. The property is beautifully surrounded on all sides by mountains, the vineyards and then the Bob Cupp designed golf course. I know nothing about golf and don't care to but apparently he is up there. The million dollar clubhouse looks like - a million bucks, it is all incredibly lovely but currently it is the sole construction on the estate. For the last two years people have been buying plots of land but as yet no houses have been built.

Cafayate is a two or three day journey from the real world. As one woman said to me - Are we going to leave Napa and our subscription to the ballet to come down here? But financial guru Doug Casey told his followers to buy for profit and so they did. Now the town is holding its breath to see whether the Estancia will bring good things in the form of paved streets maybe. People are expecting a massive boom for 'the Palm Springs' of Argentina.

The wine flowed from the hands of bow-tied waiters. Large bottles of Johnnie Black lined the bar. White leater sofas edged the grass dance floor under thousands of fairy lights. It was all really magical and if I was an investing person I would have been seduced by the magic of the mountains.

Way after midnight the locals, the journos and a few of the Americans left standing took the courtesy bus back into the pueblo and went to Nanta - a club with good music - the unico in Cafayate. The young man who had raved all night at the Estancia causing everyone to comment 'I want what he's on' promptly passed out. The journos went into a huddle to plan their next luxury working holiday and I danced, as I alway do. I had been escorted by the young man who had been trailing me for a few hours and then the stalkers arrived. One of my psych books informs me that men have a psychological imprint on their brains from cavemen times that prevents him from stealing another man's woman on pain of being clubbed to death. Well maybe we haven't yet reached the paleolithic era in Argentina.

I was surrounded by men who all were intent on sleeping with me even though the young Tucamano had been staking his claim for a while, they weren't bothered. I was fending off two when I felt a tap on my shoulder. I looked down to see the son of a bodega owner who asked me why I had never returned after my tasting. I explained. He asked me again. And again. They will keep asking the same question until they get the answer they want. He told me he was taking me to dinner the next day.

Later I was outside with the claimant and the bodega boy came and stood by the table. And just stood there glaring at me. Finally I said 'Que' and he glared some more but said nothing, possibly wondering whether the claimant was in possession of a large club. He waddled off down the road trailed by a dejected fat woman. This country is never going to change until woman stop accepting this kind of falta de respeto. Who stands there silently while her boyfriend aggresively hits on someone else?

The claimant and I went back inside. A woman was throwing me daggers as though it was my fault that one of the stalkers was using her in an attempt to get my attention. I had noticed her start a little whispering campaign earlier. Ladies - Other women are not the enemy! We need to stop right now letting men use us by inciting our sense of competition with each other. We are not stuck in the cave.

An exceptionally cute pibe passed close to me. 'You are surrounded tonight' he whispered (right under the claimant's nose) 'but when you are free I would like to get to know you more.' I have seen him around town. He told me he was 21. I told him I don't like being trapped in the age box. He looked me up and down and put me at 31. Hey - it was dark. 

Eventually the claimant walked me around the corner to my house. I wouldn't unlock the gate. He couldn't understand how I had such a large house by myself - surely I must have a man! He was becoming beligerent because he wanted what he decided he should have and wasn't interested in my point of view. This behaviour always puts me on the edge of madness. I do not want to go to bed with men I have met a few hours before - No matter how much Torrontes or Caipirinhas I have laid down. They won't listen. They start bullying and telling you that you are wrong. How can my decisions about who to share my body with be wrong?

My hairdresser here tells me you have to not be friendly or chatty with an Argentine because they will think that's a cue for more. A Cordobesa tells me that it's my fault for smiling at them when they talk to me. Is this why the Argentine woman is so icy? There is a grave lack of joie de vivre for a South American country. Maybe I should move to Brazil.

Bad Boys - Do They Really Exist?

We women are strange creatures – What would Darwin make of the current configuration of females? Maybe there has been a disruption in the gene pool.

 

I too am tired of all this talk of unavailable men but it isn’t going away soon. And everyone in a good-enough relationship with a man says we bring it on ourselves or we are attracted to Bad Boys but humans need connection. I don’t want to get married or even live with a man but the beauty of connection with someone is a thing that generates life – There is only so much of it you can produce from within, with your art, your movement, your intellect and your self-esteem.

 

From where did this label Bad Boy emerge? When I was young (and I was touring with rock bands when I was 16) a Bad Boy was a rocker or the group’s manager or a rich playboy who drove around London in an E-type Jag and only dated dancers. Now they’re all bloody Bad Boys – Bus Drivers, Delivery Boys (actually he’s a carpenter), sofa salesmen, plumbers, waiters – shall I go on? In the old days we knew who a Bad (Play) Boy was and we enjoyed them – now they’re all bad boys and we don’t even get to have any fun.

 

But a woman is convinced of a man’s potential – she idealizes the man because if she has given him her body then he in turn has got to be of value. And they dangle us and we keep dangling thinking they are going to see how amazing we are. Not many species in the natural world hang around like this. The female crab only shakes off her shell once a year and leaves herself exposed to the male. Smarter female species eat their lovers after sex. Even smarter species make homes and lives together and just let the men come over and have sex with them.

 

Anyone want to start a new species? Or should I say reinvigorate the one we’ve got?