Last Tango in Buenos Aires

Dating Argentine Men - or How to Learn to Love Yourself

I'm re-posting here a comment from Selma just received on an old post so that everyone can share her experience. It's interesting she says that she thought that her guy was different and that he worked hard to persuade her of how different he could be. The promises are usually an indication of faux feeling.

I now view any relationship with an Argentine as an opportunity to learn - about yourself and why you fall into these situations. There are always signs from the beginning but we choose not to hear our intuition and to hope too much. There is nothing to miss about leaving Argentina except the wine.

Here is Selma's comment...

"This blog should be a warning to every woman who even thinks of getting involved with an argentine man. When I started dating mine I came across this blog when I was reading about argentina to understand his background better and I thought, well not all men are the same and he is so sweet and lovely...
I was wrong. I never thought I would fall for it but I did. He explained why he is not like most argentine men and how much he is looking for a real and honest love where he can be giving his heart and soul into it and all the time he kept me thinking that what we had has potential but he was really smart in avoiding saying anything directly and kept me hanging. I was very careful in the beginning and did not go completely with it and he was totally sweet and caring and communicative. As soon as I got hooked and started showing that I have developed feelings for him he became distant and then I found out that already in the first weeks of dating he knew that he'll leave the country as he had applied for a job somewhere else. Once I confronted him with this and asked him what "we" actually are it was over.
We went from talking about the ideal relationship to a painful break-up - and even then he couldn't let me go. He had to keep telling me that it was special and important but that he doesn't see a future. He kept me hanging with a push-and-pull technique for 3 weeks until I couldn't stand it anymore and confronted him with his contradictionary behaviour. He told me it wasn't that special after all and called me aggressive because I was pushing him to be honest and once he was and I could finally put everything in perspective I told him that I appreciate he's being honest about me just being an affair and that at least now I can close this chapter, he went completely mental and told me he can not tolerate my aggressiveness and has no respect for me anymore. He broke all contact and way of communication (blocking me even on facebook).
I really don't get it. I kind of offended him by saying it's alright that he was not that into me as I was into him but now that he was honest about it I can at least understand. I have never experienced something that contradictionary and emotionally dragging before. No more argentine men.
If you think if dating one, think twice or three times and don't let them sweet talk you. They can be very manipulative and make you feel that you just don't understand how relationships with them work but truly they are just afraid of commitment and looking for the next chase....

Falling in Love - Argentine style

I am reposting a comment left by Jessica on the post "How do Argentine Men Treat Women".

I have to say I agree with her (despite people commenting that there are "as many differnt Argentines as there are men") that this culture demonstrates a major, pero MAJOR misunderstanding of what LOVE is. And yes there are dogs in all countries but I've never heard of this many cases of evil cruelty and lack of basic human respect - never mind lack of respect for the "Goddess" who was the "Love of your Life".

While I think we are seduced because we find it hard to believe a man would be so passionate if he didn't really feel it, I also agree with a commenter who called us "Stupid". Every Argentine falls in love in two days - and that can never be true love.

Here's Jessica's comment :

I have to say that I wish I'd read this before I'd started my relationship with a Porteno. I feel compelled to share my story...

We met in the spring, we talked, we clicked, everything felt right. I was in the process of leaving my husband and making changes in my life when - let's call him G - and I met. We had the same interests and were passionate about the same things, we could talk for hours and hours - we were only friends at first. In a short time he pursued me very intensely - and I mean INTENSE! I have never witnessed anything like it back in the States. For the first time, I was called a Goddess and every day I heard how wonderful I was and he recounted to me in all the ways he loved me. G was constantly texting me, dedicating songs to me, singing to me. Within a month, G said that he wanted to be my partner for life, that I was a drug and he couldn't get enough of me: I was the woman he'd been waiting for and he'd never loved anyone like he loved me. We could not stand to spend one second apart from each other. I got along great with his kids and he loved to see me spending time with them, he was helping my son learn Spanish, I talked to his teenage daughter frequently... it seemed so amazing.

For the next month things got very intense and he asked me to marry him and G said that he wanted to have children with me. Everything felt so right, so wonderful. I did what I could to hurry the divorce process back home and there were some issues with custody. I wrote G and told him that I may not be able to make it to BsAs in the next few months because of some issues I needed to resolve and he never wrote me again. I couldn't figure out what I had done wrong! It just went cold. I eventually received an email from him stating that "ahora entiendo que "vivir lo nuestro" no seria possible por algun tiempo porque de tus chicos. sos LA MEJOR PRECIO DE ESTA VIDA! Perhaps you will find happiness in the arms of another man before you can return to BsAs. Quiero lo mejor por vos!"

I found out a month later that he started talking to another woman THE DAY AFTER I told him that I wouldn't be able to see him in the original time frame we'd planned. I was never Ms. Right... for him, it was all about Ms. RIGHT NOW. There is absolutely no concept of what love really is, it astounds me!!! And to think that I formed a connection with his kids, and he with mine... I feel stupid, and like the WORST MOTHER IN THE WORLD! :( I couldn't believe that what we were doing could have been anything but love.

I just wanted to share my story, I hope that it helps someone. Please be careful when talking to any man in Buenos Aires. In the US there are some men who are major dogs, but I have never seen anyone be treated this way, and I have never seen a man use kids like this to get to a woman. Unbelievable.

Emotional Unavailability starts with You

Living in Argentina demands the acquisition of patience. Bureaucracy, corruption, hyperinflation, bad food, cheating men. It's a good characteristic to learn despite the hardship endured while learning and perhaps a characteristic useful anywhere in the world. Even the cheating men have been a very useful lesson. The Argentine man is exceptionally macho. Even the ones who aren't macho are incredibly macho. It's a culture that didn't shift in the seventies revolution when women demanded equality in the Northern Anglo Saxon cultures. But in that epoca, it was the women who demanded a change in the men and the men required to respond if they wanted to be accepted. In Argentina the women have never demanded so the men have never changed. It's not their fault. Maybe it's ours. The majority of foreign women seem to have problems with Argentine men (and they ultimately with us, once the fascination turns to frustration) but some have wonderful relationships.

An Argentine man may always be selfish but he will be exceptionally loving. Once you get past the chamuyo into a deeper relationship, they are capable of great passion. I have learnt while living and loving here that an Argentine man has the same needs in love as a Northern man but the Northerner has them buried now.

All the single women reading myriad books about how to make a man into you, paying for male secrets downloaded from love blogs, throwing the same questions out on the Unavailable Commitmentphobic forums - all need to live in a macho culture for a while. Loving a Latino makes it obvious what a man wants and needs.

He needs to be loved. This seems obvious but some of us are not good at always letting him feel that he's loved. - We are too good at letting him know we are disappointed.

He needs to be appreciated. It is very important deep inside a man's soul to provide for a woman - he used to be out killing sabre tooth tigers with a big stick and would probably secretly prefer to be doing that still rather than sitting in that bank tower. Even if he isn't providing for us financially, he has to provide protection, caring, security. It is our job to let him know he is providing and that we are grateful for it rather than whingeing that he hasn't taken out the garbage. (I use the garbage cliché because it is so indicative of our times. His task - Our irritation at his shortcomings). This is a problem within unequal cultures. We foreigners are generally more financially equipped than locals. He might like the opportunity to be a gigolo but still needs to somehow feel he is providing therefore don't you pay for dinner, drive home AND get on top in bed.

He needs to feel excited. Yes in the obvious way but MORE so in spiritual ways. A woman should be something to be admired, a worthwhile partner for him to have captured. A little bit of a challenge but not too much. Intellectually stimulating, but not too much. Adventurous, unpredictable and independent, but not too much. How you balance these qualities according to your man's levels indicates your success or failure in a relationship.

He needs to feel support. You feel you are supporting him just by sharing the bathroom with him but he needs to feel your support. (Men are all the same in this - we operate on talking, they operate on feelings. If you remember nothing else, a relationship works or fails based on how a man FEELS each moment of every day). A man faces constant demands and pressures in the world, he has been brought up with a ton of expectations. When he comes home he needs to know that you are there for him even if he has done something idiotic and you just feel like slapping him around. Patience is required in the face of dumb mistakes.

He needs to feel accepted. It's been said a billion times - Men are from Mars etc - but we don't seem to take it in. Men are not like us. Recognise it, let it be okay and there will be harmony. Because you can't change him and you will kill your love trying.

An Argentine (in Argentina) is only now being exposed to women who want to share and communicate as friends. They don't understand it fully yet but they are quite disposed to learning it slowly and in their own way. The rule with an argentine is the same as the rest of the world - there are a lot of players and bullshitters, looking for ego boosts, damaged by the past and unable to move through - the rule is the same anywhere - when you get a good one , let yourself grow as you nurture the relationship until it flowers. Love without demands.

I'm currently unsure what I'm going to do with this blog. I've had it almost five years and it has taken its own path and diverged from the route I'd planned as often as the book for which it's named did. Last Tango, the book was finally born in June this year, having changed from its original premise of woman learning from her tango experiences in a foreign culture. This blog changed from an account of living in Buenos Aires before it was flooded with expats to a constant expose of intercultural relationships based on my own, my friend's and the experiences of the many women who emailed their stories to me. Some have been glad to read it, some have been angry. Personally I have learned a great deal but I don't think I can continue.

I am not a relationship guru and never set out to be. I only wanted to share and learn from each other as our Mothers used to do sitting around a kitchen table with a cuppa (java). Women have lost that culture of support now, we have less time for hanging out while babies are asleep in their prams. Instead of complaining to each other, we complain to our men. And they get very tired of it.  

I have nearly finished my new book, an intricate tragic love story set against a background of spells and plant magic in the ancient cultures of the Andes and the Amazon.

It's based in love. I don't know whether it partners well with this blog or whether I should start a new blog based on loving.

Only love. Love yourself first and learn how to love a man.

New Cover for Last Tango - The Book

Uploaded a new cover for Last Tango as I thought the shoes deserved to be honoured on a typical Buenos Aires white marble staircase. I took the photo after a brazilian Independence day party when the shoes were thrown off and Super Sergio worked his magic - Any opinions?

FOUR STARS - A review on Last Tango the book

Last tango is available in print at Amazon.com, on Kindle and at Smashwords for I-Pad, I-Phone, Kobo, Nook and PDF Download.

A 4-Star review was gratefully received although I would contest the reviewer when he says the 'book is not about tango'. While it isn't strictly all about tango, there are various scenes and a whole chapter dedicated to the milongas of Buenos Aires - A must-read insight for anyone interested or thinking of coming to dance.

Read the review here

LTBA Review

 

Last Tango in Buenos Aires not only offers hilarious insights into dating, love and sex with the Argentine man, it is a travelogue that apart from Buenos Aires, visits Patagonia, Iguazu, Salta, Tigre and the Gualeguaychu carnival.

Amazon Review for Argentinian Men

Very nice to have a 4 STAR review on Amazon for Last Tango in Buenos Aires. The reviewer - an American Author living in BsAs has written on his blog regarding the macho narcissist - He cannot understand how women keep falling for the chamuyo. Women do need to explore inside for the solution to evade being reeled in by the faux amor.

Here's the review:

"Tracy Johnson's novel, "Last Tango in Buenos Aires" is the randy and always compelling story of an attractive woman dealing with a series of men, mostly younger, while searching for the meaning of (her) life as a British nomad in Argentina. Although I was sometimes reminded of Erica Jong's stories, Johnson's sensual encounters in Argentina are more intense and reach a more curious psychological depth, particularly the exploration in detail of the fears and fantasies of the kind of woman who would be inclined to take off for the place that (inaccurately) likes to think of itself as the "Paris of Latin America."

Tracy Johnson writes with authority and style about that segment of the population in Buenos Aires that lives for dancing, sex, and hope. (This book is not about Tango.) About the kind of women who can be made stupid by overt flattery from men. About the kind of men (abundant in Argentina) who think that syrupy flattery is a substitute for real emotion, and again, the women who fall for it -- again and again.

If you are a woman who has ever been suckered by superficial attention from a man, this is the book for you. This is the book for you if you're interested in the night world of a city like Buenos Aires. But maybe it is best a book for these men, who think they are so hot, so compelling, so unavoidable that women are going to droll all over themselves if he will just say those sweet things again; for these men, "Last Tango in Buenos Aires" is a mirror."

Emotional Unavailability - Protecting your heart from the Argentinian

 I am re-posting here a comment received today from Heather on the ancient post Are Argentine Men Narcissistic? (Emotional Unavailability Part 44432)

This seems to be a popular post for sharing experiences and unfortunately heather also went back and was 'hooked again' as she says, 'like an IDIOT'. I reckon heather isn't an idiot unless she went back into this without protecting herself. The vast majority of these get-back-together relationships end in tears because they aren't genuine on the man's part. This side of Emotional Unavailability reflects their narcissistic need to be adored and have a woman want them. Once they know you want them they will leave - or maybe once they realise you don't want them. Sometimes they get wind that you aren't so enamoured with him and vanish before you can tell them to go. Either way they have to be the central force.

His disappearance, calculated to hurt in every way, backfires slightly as having already demonstrated his ability and propensity to abandon his 'beloved' in the coldest way, you take him back with a protected and defended heart. Still loving him as much (hard to believe now) but still holding a little something back. If you're going to re-start and Emotionally Unavailable relationship it's essential to maintain this defended position - for at least a year - sufficient time for the chase, or re-chase, to have worn off.

Here's Heather's story and I hope it helps to have shared and that you find the love you truly deserve pronto:

Comment: Well, I got hooked again. I posted on here back in March about my situation and it turns out that 3 months after he broke up with me he was telling his friend that he missed me and he started to contact me again and like an IDIOT I fell for it thinking he might have changed and maybe he had actually cared for me all along. Boy was I wrong. It was worse than before. This time I suppose he only wanted to know I was still interested and available because he would make emotional contact and if I responded he would back off. Several times we were together but never any physical contact. So strange considering we were very intimate for almost a year. Like I said, he would pursue me and if I responded he would lose interest. Love is like a game for these assholes. The only possible thing you can do for your sanity is to cut them off completely. I had to block his phone number and all contact with him. So now, AGAIN, I am trying to move on with my life. Last mistake I make with him. And I wish you ladies would take these comments seriously, because they are so true.

Argentinian Men - Just Step Back (or at Least Take Care)

It's been said many times and although you especially won't believe it when you're suffering relationship meltdown, every relationship happens for a reason. It's particularly hard to consider when you've been or are in a relationship with an EU, but it's even more pertinent even if the reason is that you need to look at yourself and ask why you keep repeating the pattern.

When I separated from DEG I was really upset. I say upset not devastated because I had already been devastated the first time he left. This is the first clue to an EU - someone who keeps walking out on you for distance and drama - usually in an unkind way. People who love each other break up with respect even if it's over the phone (Text break ups are not respectful - the other person deserves a chance to express themselves) EUs usually break up cruelly leaving you reeling and wondering what you did wrong.

You did nothing wrong.

Even if you had a fight and you said mean things.

EUs often precipitate fights with their bad behaviour then switch it onto you.

It is not about anything you did. A relationship is built on the basic foundation that when you fight the relationship is not at stake.

So when DEG left - without a word -I wasn't as devastated as I was the first time. This is the second clue. The behaviour is more than likely to happen again -99% likely. It should be 100% but there are exceptions. We all know people whose lovers have left and then come back begging forgiveness with excuses and have gone on to make successful relationships. This is part of the problem - as women we really want to believe that this is our situation - special and different. But in 99% of cases it isn't.

When I decided to get back together with DEG, accept his excuses as legitimate and give it a chance - I did so with one massive personal caveat. He would not be able to hurt me like that again. Inside I thought 'This is his character and while I'm going to make another effort, I'm also going in holding a small piece of myself secure so he won't be able to destroy me again.

He did it again less than two months later. While I was very upset mostly because of the way he did it I wasn't destroyed and I turned around and got back to work. In a way it was fortunate that he walked out while I was at work and stole almost all my pro camera equipment - At least I missed him less. But the biggest benefit was being able to work again. He had not wanted me to write saying 'I don't want to be a lab rat in a cage' and I had been constricted by that even though I wasn't writing about him. (Another clue there actually - he was the centre of the world). I wanted to write the greatest love story and he was stopping me. Or out of respect to his feelings I was stopping myself. I couldn't even do all the work of publishing LTBA that I'd completed before I even met him because he required so much attention. Whether it was eating the elaborate meals he cooked for lunch or cleaning up the disaster in the kitchen or the endless mini dramas we seemed to endure - he needed to be focused upon.

He quit his job because he felt trapped inside and wanted to be free like me. But he didn't have the necessary abilities to do my job and so I was responsible for him and while working he either sucked my energy or never gave me support more than washing the car.

While I feel that I should have been more accepting of my initial gut reaction to his personality, I was blindsided by how sweet everyone said he was and by the intensity of his love - two common attributes of EUs. This is the third clue - If your gut says something listen carefully. Women's intuition is there for a reason Loss is always rotten but I'm grateful to be able to work again. Finding something that gives you pleasure (outside of half a dozen margaritas and a litre of chocolate almond ice cream) or fulfillment is key.  Now I'm at work on the great love story - he's just not in it.

Love and Las Vegas or Publishing your Book

So I'm in Las Vegas and I'm here for two weeks which is weird because most people only stay a couple of days and I'm the only person who hasn't spent so much as a quarter gambling. I'd really like to win some money but I can't bear the thought of losing. And anyway I have tons of work to do. I received the proof copy of the Last Tango in Buenos Aires book, read it and approved it and then spent all night re-formatting it for Kindle and then again for Smashwords - Self-publishing takes on a whole new meaning with E-books, but oh, the joy of not being at the mercy of ignorant vultures who have used authors as worker slaves for at least a century. Look at the mountains of rejection letters they have sent out to writers who are now extremely well-loved including JK Rowling.

I'm doing the shopping and the signature restaurants and the Cirque de Soleil shows but mostly working. Today I walked a couple of miles in 110 degrees because I was told there was a notary with a raised seal in a mall a mile and some down the highway. Huh? An English author publishing to Createspace on Amazon.com requires an ITIN from the IRS tax office otherwise 30% of royalties will be deducted at source. Because England has special status and 0% tax withholding this makes sense to acquire but oh dear, the hassle.

To get the ITIN number the steps are

1. Get your passport certified by a notary with a raised seal

2. Fill in form W7

3. Attach letter on letterhead from publishing company

4. Send in and wait 6 weeks for number

5. Send number with form W-8BEN to puvlisher

 After falling into the notary office behind the Walmart with a rare beef face from the heat - I was informed all notaries in Nevada operate with stamps - no seal. Call the Secretary of State. Maybe purple faced English authors fall into his office from desert heat because he had the number down pat. I had to wander around Walmart garnering suspicious looks for twenty minutes until my heatstroke calmed down.

I am managing to have some fun in Vegas. At the Golden Nugget pool a man at the next lounger said 'Ma'am where can I find you later?'  I told him Ma'am was my Mother, not me and not entirely seductive on his part.  I'm not really interested in that kind of fun - I'm enjoying working too much. In the past few weeks I've accomplished more that I managed in the six months previous. Because having a boyfriend is time consuming. Especially a boyfriend who requires full time attention.

I gave it to him because I was in love with him. Love is a very strange concept.  I believed him to be one of the three great loves of my life. Instead he turned out to be one of the three worst nightmares. Understandably I'm not eager to start again. Time is needed to dispel rancor and not spew bitterness. Trust needs to be in place to some extent.

How many women have talent or abilities that are subsumed for the sake of love? Camille Claudel is nowhere near as famous as Rodin. So many female artists gave up in order to be supportive. Maybe only Frida Kahlo managed both. I have found out in Las Vegas that creating something is at least as fulfilling as the ideal of the perfect relationship.

Emotionally Unavailable Style

Many women want to know how to recognise the traits of emotional unavailability and while there are generally very obvious indicators, some men have it so well-camouflaged, you won't realise you've hooked one until you're - hooked.

Now I don't entirely blame the man for the emotionally unavailable relationship. We all draw to us what we need to learn from and drawing an emotionally unavailable man, especially repeatedly, is an indication of abandonment issues. Something regurgitating from childhood, probably forgotten, that needs to be outed. A woman who dates emotionally unavailable men regularly, or accepts the behaviour, is doing so because she is comfortable with it on an unconscious level.

I am very aware of the emotionally unavailable traits and have done pretty well moving away from them every time they appear, but this time I was fooled by an expert.

Most people adore the Don. He has charm down to an art, the consensus on his character is 'Sweet'. And I thought so too - a caring, kind and loving man. Able to love without game-playing and pulling away. Ha. Firstly his preferred method of communication is texting - Mixed with chamuyo. Therefore I was the Diosa every day in various forms. Ok so he's chasing and wanting to make sure I know I'm desired. Why then did he leave me sick in bed when his ex-suegras came to the hotel? Why did he go out with his friend on my only night in the hotel and try to get into my room at 1.30am? Why was he incommunicado at Christmas when he was off with his family? I put all these things down to the Argentine culture. But really I was just making excuses for something I didn't want to admit.

He was running away.

He was demonstrating to me that he wasn't really there for me.

He was expert at seduction - women fell around at the hotel with all that 'Hola Senorita' bullshit. He knew he could charm with his sweet and humble nature. But it's a facade.

And when he ran away, I pulled back and he felt safe and started chasing me again. Swearing it was going to be OK, that his life was in a turmoil when he met me and to give him time to fix it.That I was the Love of his Life. The best he'd ever had. What woman doesn't want to believe that?

He teased me about the book  - it must be my fault he said, making men behave like that (except hundreds of other women have told me the same story). He had his own story to tell about Argentine women. Cue complaining about the ex. Argentine women are all self-centred, bad companions, don't communicate and throw your love back in your face because they only want macho daddys. My question was "Why stick around for FIVE years then?"

The answer is that this style suited him. That a woman who was cold to him was a woman he could chase freely without feeling connected. When he met a woman who wanted his love all the time and nothing else, he had to start running.

The Man of the Thousand Excuses all his friends call him. I would call him The Man of the Thousand Promises. And all of them broken. I had my first indicator in the first month of our relationship when he told me, right after saying I was his amor, that soon he would go back to Cordoba and we should stay friends. Without detailing, this kind of loss is very difficult for me and kicks up post-trauma. I have to be very careful with it. I went into the garden to have my little sob and he followed me out and burst into tears. Not for my situation (which I shared with him very maturely) but for his situation with his Father. And so it went on. Whenever I had an issue, he would burst into tears about his issue and I would forget myself and care for him. It was always about him.

And this is one of the major indicators of emotional unavailability - narcissism.

He loved me not for me but for the things I gave him that he needed in his life and had no ability to deliver to himself. Be it money, sex, job, creativity. When he left me he would tell me he learned marvellous things from me - but I didn't want a pupil.

The other indicator for emotional unavailability is coldness. This also is hard to detect for sure. All men are chilly at times, they just go within for a while. But in this scenario, your feelings will always play second fiddle to his. Knowing about my trauma thing, he used it whenever he was pissed with me. So one time, when I was exhausted and emotional, instead of giving me time, space and support, he threw his stuff into a bag and left.

I let him come back that time. WHY? Because many women have experienced the man in torment with his overwhelming feelings and the break-up has made them re-evaluate what they want and they've gone on to satisfying relationships. I thought we had reached that point. But in reality, he just couldnt hack it on his own. He wanted to live off me but he resented living off me. 'I feel like a SLAVE' he screamed at me. So go get a job I thought. When I finally told him he should get a job, only because I needed him out of the house for a part of the day so I could do something, he left again.

Not only left but disappeared while I was working - knowing I'd struggle with the post trauma again. Sweet and Kind people who Love you dont leave without a word. But there's one good thing. Once someone has hurt you once, they dont (or shouldnt) have the power to do it again. If you are going to give a man another chance, don't get caught up too soon in all the amor de mi vida promises, hold back a little of yourself until he's shown he's worthy of that chance.