Living in Argentina demands the acquisition of patience. Bureaucracy, corruption, hyperinflation, bad food, cheating men. It's a good characteristic to learn despite the hardship endured while learning and perhaps a characteristic useful anywhere in the world. Even the cheating men have been a very useful lesson. The Argentine man is exceptionally macho. Even the ones who aren't macho are incredibly macho. It's a culture that didn't shift in the seventies revolution when women demanded equality in the Northern Anglo Saxon cultures. But in that epoca, it was the women who demanded a change in the men and the men required to respond if they wanted to be accepted. In Argentina the women have never demanded so the men have never changed. It's not their fault. Maybe it's ours. The majority of foreign women seem to have problems with Argentine men (and they ultimately with us, once the fascination turns to frustration) but some have wonderful relationships.
An Argentine man may always be selfish but he will be exceptionally loving. Once you get past the chamuyo into a deeper relationship, they are capable of great passion. I have learnt while living and loving here that an Argentine man has the same needs in love as a Northern man but the Northerner has them buried now.
All the single women reading myriad books about how to make a man into you, paying for male secrets downloaded from love blogs, throwing the same questions out on the Unavailable Commitmentphobic forums - all need to live in a macho culture for a while. Loving a Latino makes it obvious what a man wants and needs.
He needs to be loved. This seems obvious but some of us are not good at always letting him feel that he's loved. - We are too good at letting him know we are disappointed.
He needs to be appreciated. It is very important deep inside a man's soul to provide for a woman - he used to be out killing sabre tooth tigers with a big stick and would probably secretly prefer to be doing that still rather than sitting in that bank tower. Even if he isn't providing for us financially, he has to provide protection, caring, security. It is our job to let him know he is providing and that we are grateful for it rather than whingeing that he hasn't taken out the garbage. (I use the garbage cliché because it is so indicative of our times. His task - Our irritation at his shortcomings). This is a problem within unequal cultures. We foreigners are generally more financially equipped than locals. He might like the opportunity to be a gigolo but still needs to somehow feel he is providing therefore don't you pay for dinner, drive home AND get on top in bed.
He needs to feel excited. Yes in the obvious way but MORE so in spiritual ways. A woman should be something to be admired, a worthwhile partner for him to have captured. A little bit of a challenge but not too much. Intellectually stimulating, but not too much. Adventurous, unpredictable and independent, but not too much. How you balance these qualities according to your man's levels indicates your success or failure in a relationship.
He needs to feel support. You feel you are supporting him just by sharing the bathroom with him but he needs to feel your support. (Men are all the same in this - we operate on talking, they operate on feelings. If you remember nothing else, a relationship works or fails based on how a man FEELS each moment of every day). A man faces constant demands and pressures in the world, he has been brought up with a ton of expectations. When he comes home he needs to know that you are there for him even if he has done something idiotic and you just feel like slapping him around. Patience is required in the face of dumb mistakes.
He needs to feel accepted. It's been said a billion times - Men are from Mars etc - but we don't seem to take it in. Men are not like us. Recognise it, let it be okay and there will be harmony. Because you can't change him and you will kill your love trying.
An Argentine (in Argentina) is only now being exposed to women who want to share and communicate as friends. They don't understand it fully yet but they are quite disposed to learning it slowly and in their own way. The rule with an argentine is the same as the rest of the world - there are a lot of players and bullshitters, looking for ego boosts, damaged by the past and unable to move through - the rule is the same anywhere - when you get a good one , let yourself grow as you nurture the relationship until it flowers. Love without demands.
I'm currently unsure what I'm going to do with this blog. I've had it almost five years and it has taken its own path and diverged from the route I'd planned as often as the book for which it's named did. Last Tango, the book was finally born in June this year, having changed from its original premise of woman learning from her tango experiences in a foreign culture. This blog changed from an account of living in Buenos Aires before it was flooded with expats to a constant expose of intercultural relationships based on my own, my friend's and the experiences of the many women who emailed their stories to me. Some have been glad to read it, some have been angry. Personally I have learned a great deal but I don't think I can continue.
I am not a relationship guru and never set out to be. I only wanted to share and learn from each other as our Mothers used to do sitting around a kitchen table with a cuppa (java). Women have lost that culture of support now, we have less time for hanging out while babies are asleep in their prams. Instead of complaining to each other, we complain to our men. And they get very tired of it.
I have nearly finished my new book, an intricate tragic love story set against a background of spells and plant magic in the ancient cultures of the Andes and the Amazon.
It's based in love. I don't know whether it partners well with this blog or whether I should start a new blog based on loving.
Only love. Love yourself first and learn how to love a man.
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